Platformers have brought us some of gaming’s most iconic mascots and some big debates to boot. The classic example is, of course,MariovsSonic— a matchup old as the hills. However, today I’d like to discuss a different pair of platforming pals with kindred history, that pair beingCrash BandicootandSpyro the Dragon. The twoboth startedwith a trilogy on PS1, had a weird spell for some years after, and then came back to the big time withremasters of those trilogies.
Now, these two have fought before in an oldGBAtitle, but that was a kinda weird spat in which they threw molotovs at each other from a distance (Spyro, you can breathe fire; what are you doing?) so, for all intents and purposes, this is a pretty underrated scrap. It’s not surprising that many don’t think about this clash, because it seems pretty stacked in favor of everyone’s favorite indigo lizard. Can a marsupial measure up against a fire-breathing, horn-having, occasionally-flying dragon? The answer might surprise you.
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Man The Canons!
Woah, slow down there, champ. We gotta know what sources we’ll be drawing from first, not to mention the ground rules we’ll need. Both Spyro and Crash have had games that’ve been struck from the canon or exist in alternate universes, some of which have some ridiculous differences. In the Legend of Spyro trilogy, Spyro gains full flight throughout the majority of the third game — which would give the purple pyromaniac even more of an advantage. We’ll only count what we can safely put as mainline canon. No Legend of Spyro, no GBA spinoffs, no Skylanders, and nothing from Crash from Wrath of Cortex to before the N-Sane trilogy (as the new Crash 4 removes them from the canon).
For ground rules we’ll also not be counting any powers you get post-100% competition (talking to you again, Spyro). We also won’t look at any IRL counterparts, because dragons aren’t real and actual bandicoots look like tiny shrew-adjacent things that Spyro probably eats for breakfast.
Dragons Won’t Be Bygones Easily
Let’s discuss the flying purple people eater himself and the headaches he’s about to cause us. See, this guy doesn’t just breathefire. That stuff is on another level. Itexplodeschests and pots. Itinstantly killsandpuntsanimals both small and large. Whatever’s coming out of his mouth, a mint’s not gonna solve it.
We can’t overlook the ibexian headpieces in the room. Spyro’s horns let himinstantly shatter metalregardless of his momentum, suggesting that either A) Spyro has Senator Armstrong’s nanomachines inserted into his skull and neck muscles, or B) Spyro’s horns are either sharp enough or dense enough to shatter this metal on impact. Running some calculations, there are metal boxes throughout the game about the same size as Spyro. Spyro is a little larger than a sheep, which (according toDimensions.com) are about 180 cm in length, 138 cm in height, and 66 cm in width. All metrics are on the larger side given that these boxes are a bit bigger than Spyro.
Assuming that the chests are hollow (they house gems, but Spyro isn’t breaking those, not to mention their form seems semi-physical), that they’re basically rectangles (they’re not, but we’re doing napkin math here — and our size estimates should still be on the lower end), that they’re made from a mild steel (with a density of 0.284 kg/m3), and the metal is 1 cm thick, that would give us a weight of 516 kg/1137 lbs (about as heavy as a grand piano or an adult horse).
Now, it’s hard to get exact numbers, but a rough estimate as to how much force Spyro is hitting with here would be a punching force of about 61,440,000 Newtons. That’s about 12,228 times the punching force of a professional boxer and 15,360 times the force needed to break a human femur. Considering Spyro can do this with virtually no run-up, this mind-blowing force might not even be close to his full power.
Crashing The Party
All isn’t over yet for the orange rat-thing, though. If he gets close to Spyro in this fight, he’s dead and buried — but who said anything about getting close? Sure, his spins and slides won’t help much, but the bandicoot has plenty of tech. He has the range advantage with his fruit bazooka from Crash 3, something that shoots wumpa fruits with enough force to shatter cardboard and kill off enemies. Nothing too incredible considering what Spyro can do with a crack of his neck, but the guy is a bit of a glass cannon; a stray vulture or a big mutt can knock him down. All Crash needs is vertical supremacy and good mobility.
Crash 4’s quantum masks give him some unique abilities. The Akano mask gives him a more potent glide than his own gliding tornado spin, the Kupuna-Wa can slow time, and the Ika-Ika can reverse gravity. That last one is especially important for his vertical mobility, allowing him to snipe out Spyro. He also has access to the Crash Dash powerup at the end of Crash 3 (not post-game, so it counts) which gives him a nice speed boost which he can use to get some distance. Given Spyro’s charging and the inevitable disintegration impact would cause, though, stealth should be the bandicoot’s goal.
If Crash can play things tactically, he can take home the win. All he needs to do is use a mix of quantum masks to get a vantage point before sniping Spyro with his laser-pointing bazooka.
And The Winner Is…
Ha! You thought I’d give Crash the win? Well, I think he has a good chance if he plays tactically, but that isn’t really his style. Crash is always characterized as impulsive and a bit dim. Just look at his recklessness during animal-riding segments or his inattentiveness in any cutscene he features in. If there’s a plan, someone else is making it for him. Otherwise? He’s a glutton for punishment who would definitely try to take Spyro on in a brawl — which will not end well.
If he’s under guidance, Crash would likely win. However, his lack of foresight, insight, hindsight, etc. leads me to believe Spyro would be victorious given his ungodly strength and blazing breath. So much for an underdog win.
